On Trauma, Letting Go & Kindness - quite a powerful mix

“My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.” - Michael J. Fox

I think the past two years actually gave us a hard lesson on letting go. If we are too attached to plans, deadlines and our vision of the future we can get super annoyed and angry if the things do not go according to our plans. We have our expectations and if something does not fit into it we might simply lose it. This has definitely happened to me last year when I planned to travel home for Christmas and my plan was completely ruined due to the Covid travel restrictions.

At first I was very disappointed but then I came to a realization thanks to that I spent an amazing time with my friends for NYE and also it gave me some time to process some things as well the idea of Movement 101 course came to me. Other than that, surprising my Mom for her 50th birthday in May was an amazing trip that I will never forget and was even more meaningful because I haven't seen her for so long. It gave us an even better opportunity to talk heart to heart because we missed each other so much!

Letting go is not only about letting go of the past, it is about trusting the universe/God/karma/higher power/faith (...anything you believe in) that if something is not going according to the plan, it is supposed to be like that because there are some other better things that are coming your way. For everything there is time and place, even if we might have a different vision of it. Letting go of the expectation gives you a relief - things happen and you cannot predict them all. It feels good to let go because it removes so much pressure of you.

We still have to stay motivated and work our way to achieve what we want, but believing that it is not all up to you it's liberating. Everything happens for a reason to become your unique self.

Trauma is often believed to be one big bad thing that has happened and reshaped you. Trauma can be an accident but it can also be small things which create small wounds in ourselves. It can be also beliefs and customs which are inculcated in us since childhood or by the pressure of the environment.

Trying to connect to your inner self you might realize that some things which you really wanted some time ago might lose their value over time. Think about the things that you would like to accomplish in your life - are these things truly something that makes you happy, or are these things that make you look good because all other people have them. Do you really want a big house or the super car, the newest clothes - is it something that makes you happy or is it to show your status.

Showing status is a very rooted thing in our brains (after all we are animals and we want to show who is on top of the kingdom) and I read about an experiment (in Happy Ever After by Paul Dolan) in which people were more happy when their neighbours were driving similar range of cars. The happiness among the neighbours would fall when one of the neighbours would buy a much more expensive car. Isn’t that interesting? That our happiness would be at risk only because we compare ourselves to others?

Similarly with getting married, having a house, having kids, newest smartphone etc. - these things are things that we compare to others and can create our ‘lack of happiness’. So next time when you think I want to get married now or I want a new car - think, is it me who wants to get married get a newer car or is it because all my friends or colleagues are getting married/have newer cars. .

I do not say letting go of these things is an easy thing, but just being aware of it might help you not to go down a spiral of unhappiness. Focus on what your heart truly desires (quoting Lucifer here :D) and let go of all the other bullshit !

I spoke about trauma and this is also something we need to process. Without acknowledging all parts of your life, you are missing a big part of yourself which has a potential to grow. Outing these wounds can be challenging but also liberating. Realizing we have these wounds is the best way to start the process of healing and growth.

There are different kinds of trauma and I am not a medical professional to advise on that. The only thing I can say is that there are many resources nowadays to help - let’s not be afraid of speaking about therapy, mental health is important and you should always remember that it takes courage to ask for help!

There are some things you can do yourself too - journaling, writing letters (to people or yourself, not necessarily sending them out), meditating on the issue, speaking to someone about it and much more. Acknowledging the fact is the first step for action and letting go.

Today I also wanted to highlight the fact that we often forget that everyone is in the same boat. Everyone has their own wounds and issues to process, so I am just calling for some empathy. Treat people with kindness, because you might be the first person in their life to give them the gift of kindness.

Empathy doesn’t cost much but can create a new world in which we care for one another. Next time you are waiting impatiently at the hospital or at the doctors office, think about how many hours the doctors and nurses have to work, possibly they haven’t eaten for many hours caring for their patients. They might be exhausted after long shifts. Put yourself in their shoes and realize - is it really worth it to complain about the long wait; is it truly their fault - maybe saying ‘Good morning and how are you?’ may just brighten their day.

Let go of your own expectations and appreciate others, because after all they are part of the same freaking universe.

Remember that if you need professional help, there are resources to help you.

Homework :

Write on a piece of paper one thing that is holding you back or which creates pain in your life. It can be a hardship you went through, some belief that is creating an expectation in your life, or something you are worried about in the future.

Now like in Hollywood movies burn it or less Hollywood style you can tear the sheet into pieces. I know it might feel theatrical, but writing something by hand wakes up a different sphere in our brain. When you write by hand, you develop a stronger conceptual understanding than by typing. As writing is also slower than typing you have to actually process the information and summarize it in a way that makes sense for you.

The process of tearing/burning this thing that you just have acknowledged and processed by writing it down can give you a feeling of relief and letting go. This thing is a part of me but does not longer define me.